Is there a Right Way to End or Exit Relationships? Learn more on REPLAY of “Exit Strategies” TONIGHT 9PMET via XcelRadio.com

imagesCAYMFAA2“Rejection is not always about someone wanting out of your life, but rather about God wanting them out of your future.” Pastor Kim Jones Pothier (via @RealTalkKim on Exit Strategies, Sat March 22, 2014)

This past Saturday Xcel Christian Radio hosted a special 90 Minute coaching session on how to EXIT out of our relationships properly. The topic was a very HOT one to say the least as many people get on social media routinely and vent about break-ups, haters, toxic relationships, etc. The guests for the show were amazing we had Pastors, Psychiatrists, Psychologists, and Mentors/Coaches to young girls/teens who chimed in to help us to HEAL and better understand what happens when we get LEFT behind and when we LEAVE people behind the WRONG WAY.

I am not going to do this RECAP Justice but let me say this: Tune in Tonight 9PMET for the REPLAY of the program broadcast via http://www.xcelradio.com (hashtag: #ExitStrategies) you can follow by hashtag on instagram, Facebook and Twitter. You can run a search and read it in Storify as well. We had over 40,000 people listening worldwide. Our all-star guests included renowned psychiatrist Dr. Janet Taylor who gave us some great guidance on how to heal after a bad break up, when to stay in the relationship and fight, and how to do a better job at the OUTSET of a new relationship of managing expectations, paying attention and responding to Red Flags.

I want to use some information provided in his post by PHD and clinical therapist Sr. Sabrina Jackson to frame the context of our discussion. I will write an opinion article about the subject in a week or so in one of my national columns. But here is the crux of what we discussed is there a right and wrong way to leave people, and exit from their lives.  I think the general consensus was YES there is. But it also depends. As my co-host Napolian Barnes said, “We need to learn how to enter relationships better so that when we exit (if we must) we can do so better.” I agree. He added, “When I think of an “exit” I think of an emergency. Sometimes I have to run out, leave, because I am in danger. I can’t explain to the person why I have to exit. However, if there is no danger, and as a person of faith I am accountable for what I say and do to people and how I leave them.” I agree again.

The show started off with a bang with Pastors Jacquie Hood Martin, ordained Reverend, Author, Speaker & certified John Maxwell instructor and Sr. Pastor Terrell Fletcher of City of Hope in San Diego helping set a spiritual framework for why it matters how we ENTER relationships before we can get to the EXIT. Pastor Fletcher had a powerful line, ‘Unrighteous entrances almost always lead to contentious exist.’ And the discussion was off. Rev. Martin got into helping us focus on what matters about people when we allow them entrée into our lives. Not their looks, car, etc. But how they live, treat others, what they speak, how they entreat, offer compassion, and love. She said, “Give people enough time and they will always TELL you who they are.” I could not agree more. People always TELL you before they SHOW you. I wrote that on this blog a few weeks ago.

Here is the framework provided by Dr. Sabrina Jackson:

If you are considering EXITING a relationship or friendship use these guide posts:

  1. Routinely examine your circle of friends, if some no longer fit the circle begin to change the contact. Slowly back away. Shift. Or as Rev. Jacquie Hood Martin said, “There is a drifting process” that occurs when people are going to leave us or we them.
  2. If the person has hurt you. Forgive and Do Not seek revenge. Decide if you will confront them and address it or not.
  3. Seek God for guidance on changing the relationship or exiting from it—Christ is compassionate and we should follow His example. We can’t beat up on people or make them do what we want them to do. Likewise, people can’t correct if we do not tell them what is wrong.
  4. Determine if the person is open to feedback, if so share the challenges or your hurts as a way to assist them in other relationships. (EX: I have been told that I spend too much time on my cell phone and that my friend felt ignored). Although, it did not feel good, I had to look at my behavior and make some changes.
  5. As Christians, be happy for the person for future successes even if the friendship has changed. Remain cordial and keep lines of communication open when appropriate. The key word is if appropriate if you are in emotional or physical danger it is not appropriate to stay in contact.

For those of YOU who have been LEFT by someone with no explanation (and it will hurt) take these steps to HEAL:

  1. Do Not take their exiting personally. There can be several reasons why the relationship is ending:

a.) The relationship just ran it’s course

b.) Where God is taking you, new people are necessary and He is creating room/space

c.) There has been growth and they just outgrew you. It’s okay.

  1. Do Not spend a whole lot of time and energy trying to force a relationship or wondering why. If a person desires to leave…Let them go!!
  2. Accept the fact that it is over, it will hurt, and you must go through the grieving process for the loss. But acceptance is key to healing.
  3. Do not spend time speaking ill of the person to others or on social media rants. If you do this, you must reap for your behavior. God has told us not to seek revenge as vengeance is His!! Let Him deal with them for mishandling your heart.
  4. Know that you must forgive and love!! If you have done something to hurt the other person, apologize. You can only draw others to you by showing loving-kindness. It is a mandate to love even those who have hurt us.
  5. Be Coachable- Be open to feedback without blaming, making excuses, or taking it personally. Do not just hear make sure you listen.

If any of this seems familiar, please go online, 9PMET/8CST get your wine, your tea, grab a few friends, some family members and get some excellent FREE advice for how to mend your life from a broken heart. Or how to better exit someone’s life when you have to leave them behind.

Have a great week!

Sophia

 

11 thoughts on “Is there a Right Way to End or Exit Relationships? Learn more on REPLAY of “Exit Strategies” TONIGHT 9PMET via XcelRadio.com

  1. Good Morning Songbird Sophia,
    I listened to your rebroadcast last night hearing the show for the first time. Learned a lot. Would like to share more if allowed. I will focus on examples of “Exits” as life appears (black male, mother single head of household, large sibling family, pending divorce perspective) from adolescent to more than 30 years of marriage. I sum it up with this term: ” Get use to being used.” This is something I learned while deployed in combat operation in 2009 – 2010. Man sent me to combat for one reason. God used me for another without killing me and medically evacuating this patient to “Recycle, Recover, Regenerate, and Renew (R4)” my Spirit.

    I will keep it simple and slow in terms of sharing and caring with your permission. Others have told me in leadership team building exercises that I get the solution quicker than others. One person suggested I have to step back. Then let them (other team participants) see how it works for them. Reduce my frustration (life experiences learned); instead of insisting they accept my answer without time for their analysis. We all move at a different pace in life’s race to fulfill our purpose.

    • Ms. Nelson,
      My marriage has been moving toward dissolution since December 15, 2012. I have spent a total of two days and about four hours in her physical presence since our exit started. Your show reflects the drifting aspect of relationships. Your guest identified this key element for awareness and acceptance.

      My relationship started down that path (“The Roads We Take and The Choices We Make”) in October 2008 when I was alerted for mobilization to Operation Iraqi Freedom. However, it could have mentally started when I made the decision to get married in 1984 while on orders to Korea. I spent my first year apart from my wife.
      Now we must decide how to equitability distribute four cars, two houses, millions of dollars in life insurance, thousands of dollars in retirement savings, and income close to $250,000 annually. Seventy-five percent of this is guaranteed for life based upon my medical disabilities and saving / planning for retirement. I would rather have my health “If You Have Your Health You Have All You Need.”

      She wants continuation of her careers which she chose in 2008 moving to another state. I supported this decision until medical retirement in late 2012 and her filing for divorce in the summer of 2013. In 2013 it became difficult for me to focus on anything but my health. I started that year with a personal salary of over $200,000 and a hostile work environment after returning from mobilization and active duty service. I had to stop working in this high security and high technology environment or die.

      I was in Recycle (R4). Exit Strategy – Stage Right.

  2. Attorney Nelson,
    My mother brought six boys and two girls into this world. My father served in the Navy and the Army as a cook. He was selected to cook for general officers according to accounts shared with me by her. He lived in Arizona in the 1950’s and could not live right outside the military installation due to societal issues. My mom shared with me how she had to drive over fifty miles each morning to get him to work cooking for the troops. A twin brother and sister were born here in the fifties on this installation.

    I served on this installation as an active duty officer, reserve officer, and civil servant. This was the last place I expected to find myself after a commanding officer tour in Fort Polk, Louisiana.
    I wanted to go and live in Washington, DC to have a “2 PLAN B” in case I had to leave active duty. The military was reducing its forces in the mid nineties as part of Gramm-Rudman deficit reduction bill / act. Regenerate (R4) for those serving on active duty today.

    My mom never made more than one thousand dollars a month. She earned a retirement check of around five hundred dollars a month after working for twenty-six years cleaning toilets, hallways, and classrooms. I helped her during some of these years when she was pregnant with my youngest half brother.

    My dad was a womanizer and alcoholic. He served on a military installation in NC after leaving Arizona. In the fifties with life’s pressures in the South forcing him to choose his place, he accepted to not be there in body and spirit for his family. My mom divorced him because she phrased it for me as “I can do bad all by myself.” Recovery (R4)

    I make sure I donate at least twice my mom’s month’s yearly salary to charity and first responders. Last two years it was close to fifty thousand dollars. “Your Health is All You Need.” My mom died of a stroke three years after retiring from a twenty-six year custodian engineering career. A scholarship Memorandum of Understanding (MOU) is forthcoming in her name to Fayetteville State University and E. E. Smith High School in NC. I will name it “Give Them To Boot.” She raised six boys and two girls by herself. She can raise your child or help you with her spirit she left on the earth.

    She knew how to make you cut your own switch for discipline spankings often saying “this hurts me more than you.” My sisters quickly got married when she start beating them with electric cords when they returned from dates late at night. She waited behind the front door. Boot is my mom’s nickname given to her by her father because she was so small at birth he said she could fit in a boot. My grandfather was from the West Indies (had a rolling laughter) and resided in South Carolina. My grandmother was full blooded Cherokee on my mother’s side.

  3. Songbird Sophia,
    We have to Renew (R4) ourselves every night as we close our eyes to rest. I believe our next day begins when we go to sleep and not when waking up. Some statistics show most people suffer heart attacks at night. I guess this is why a daily aspirin regiment is recommended for some with the baby aspirin being taken at night before going to sleep.

    Many people talk about “Living The Dream,” as so eloquently spoken about America’s future by my frat brother Dr. King. We may miss a key point of his speech if we do not acknowledge “Live The Reality.” Dr. King dreamed the expectations for all races. How can we compete his dream if we not awake? It is his dream and our reality.

    I failed one grade while pledging my fraternity thirty-one years ago on the campus of Fayetteville State University. This came at a great price because I was on a three and one half year Air Force Reserve Officer Training (ROTC) scholarship. I was slotted to become an Air Force officer and navigator for airplanes.

    I was working thirty-six hours a week making biscuits and hamburgers at Hardees’. During my pledge period I went to twelve hour shifts from seven pm to seven am every Thursday through Saturday night. I also drove a school bus during the week. This was a five day a week routine handling the safety of children entrusted to my care. I drove a school bus since the age of sixteen. My major was Mathematics with a concentration in Computer Science.

    It would have been easy to request an Incomplete for the one class and kept my scholarship. However, if I did not feel comfortable with my level of knowledge faking it was not my road to take. Therefore, in the fall of 1983 I withdrew from school with a 3.2 GPA. I signed up to join the Army as an enlisted Soldier that same season.

    I found myself falling asleep while working my school bus route that fall. There was no Air Force scholarship anymore for assistance; my grades were starting to suffer as I took Advance Calculus and other technical courses. These subjects are taught in high schools; however I worked three jobs in high school. One day as I looked back in the large in bus mirror to monitor my charges (students); I knew there would be no justification to make if an accident occurred. No justification for fatigue as the cause on my behalf working to complete college. My sister stopped by mom’s house on leave enroute to Drill Sergeant School and suggested I join the Army and let them help me finish school. Renew (R4)

    Her suggestion was spot on. I got a much needed break, became more physically fit and earned a slot to Officer Candidate School while on tour in my first duty assignment in Korea. This led to thirteen years of active duty assignments and later a position in the Army Reserves as the forces were reduced in the nineties. I took a sabbatical to spend time with my young daughter and son and attend graduate school for fifteen months. I was allowed prior service preferences to apply for a Civil Service position and I became an Army Intern. (Recycle, Recovery, Regenerate, Renew, R4) I have position identifiers in Civil Service as Computer Scientists and Systems Analyst. Recovery (R4)

    This week my Equitable Division Asset hearing begins. My wife will be taken care of even though she makes enough money to cover all her expenses. She has been adjusting to living her reality in her career field. I still have another hospital stay coming soon along with multiple documents to complete which are delayed as I maintain my health. These documents will provide more funds to donate to my community. Remember, your “Health is All You Need.” There will be paperwork to complete on me when I breathe my last breath. It can wait.

  4. Good Morning Ms. Nelson,
    The process of how we deal with Exits in our life when God fulfills our final purpose is on my mind this morning. Recycle (R4)

    Before I deployed to the war zone in 2009 the pulpit was my main community focus. I am in the second screen shot, far right, with both hands held up in semi-nice suit. Church is not about clothes as much as the person in them.
    http://www.svcogic.org/

    Regenerate (R4) is about a great individual who I never met but was influenced by his actions and will create scholarships at his institutions. Dr. E. E. Smith had my high school named after him. I received the Junior Class Citizen Award in 1977 and Most Likely To Succeed Senior Class Award in 1978. My mother saw me accept both of them while working in the school cafeteria, driving a school bus, and having an evening job working in a grocery store. Dr. Smith’s legacy is renewed by all individuals who recognize their obligation to see light as the darkness approach us daily. It is truly a gift to be part of a day set before us.
    http://www.fayobserver.com/news/local/article_005b2ffa-931a-5228-a2e6-efd6411e9c72.html

    Reflecting back today on why I was selected for these awards; I now better understand what others saw in my potential. This is the challenge many of us ignore by not reminding others of their daily value. It is not in currency. It is in living!

    My mother had a strong Women Code. When she was notified my father had passed she honored his legacy by handling the funeral. I paid for the costs of the entire burial even though my older military sister wanted to split the cost. My other siblings did not have the funds or interest in borrowing the money. Recycle (R4)

    Thank you for inspiring, sharing, and caring.

    • Good Morning Songbird Sophia,
      Nice tweet session this morning about men and their relationships with women. Regenerate (R4). In the years of high school with my heavy work schedule these songs made me notice what a woman could be in my life. Stevie Wonder took music to a new level with his album “Songs In The Key of Life.” “I am singing of tomorrow.”

      He covers Recycle, Recover, Regenerate, and Renew (R4) which to me reflect the seasons of our life and what we encounter each day. He knew to include his daughter doing her part. In this link to his documentary (below) he mentions some of the songs have not been released. Please petition him on all of our behalf (women and men) to release the other songs.

  5. Attorney Nelson,
    You may also like the Najee Smooth Jazz Version of “Songs in The Key of Life.” He takes it to a new level of entertainment without missing a beat of the original mastery. Sir Steve Wonder and Najee both deserve listeners to purchase these songs in my humble opinion. I own original copies of the songs and not duplicates. Anyone I wanted to hear and enjoy their music I personally brought them their own copy. Regenerate (R4)

    This is one url where the songs can be purchase as there are other locations to compensate these artist for their life’s work.

    http://www.cduniverse.com/search/xx/music/pid/1108296/a/songs+from+the+key+of+life.htm

  6. Good Morning Ms. Nelson,
    Thank you again for helping me out of the challenges and transitions in my daily life. I am writing again and feel so blessed. Recycle (R4) I finally took down my Christmas tree this month. Spending the last two Christmas holidays alone takes your spirit to a level where you need to look up, however all you do is the opposite.

    I gave your fifth book purchased (Black Woman Redefined) away yesterday to a friend of my daughter. They are both approaching the age of thirty. Previous authors have had me purchase at least ten of their books and share with other. I will honor that tradition with you and Professor Cashing. The other five will be ordered this week. I will also pre-order ten copies of “Woman Code.” I’m still trying to figure out how to share copies of E-Books with your release of “Church Girls Redefined.”

    Now I can continue my University of Maryland online Cyber Security Policy Masters program as my health improves. My academic papers submitted to my graduate instructors were coming in at ninety-five percent original work. The other five percent were linked to my original papers when cross checked against global databases for integrity. It is not for financial rewards to learn more; however it will help other students and I capture a different view of Cyber Security.

    It is good recovery from war time service of thirty years to have a therapy program such as writing. Directing a Computer Emergency Response Team in Southwest Asia on my last mobilization required me to stand strong in the face of adversity. Our nation is stronger and I am wiser for this service.

    There is so much more for me to share in this life including my poetry writing, musical skills (smooth jazz), and continuing my career as an instructor. I taught military intelligence courses in 2004-2005. Many folks have wanted me to focus on the pulpit without a degree. It is not going to happen. John C. Maxwell addressed this in one of his many leadership books about his decision to be a leadership facilitator instead of a minister. He knew what steps he marches toward in our society.

    Men like to build, mold, share, and care without fear as you summarized yesterday in your tweeter session. Sports are always in season for us guys. It takes strong women to raise men to understand this time honored tradition. – “Woman Code” – I get it and your book is probably fifty-one percent for men to absorb and appreciate. After all in genetics, it is said a couple of genes separate the sex of a child at conception.

  7. Good Morning Songbird Sophia,
    I pray that your rest was peaceful as you complete the gift of writing and editing “The Woman Code.” (GIFT: GOD IS FINE TUNING) Please be careful of the business of being in life.

    Things can easily get into a recycle of not enough time to complete all the expectations on ourselves. Prior to my last Cyber Security Director position one of many suggested training resource was familiarization with the book “The Cuckoo’ Egg” by author Cliff Stoll.

    There will always be meaning in the song Stevie Wonder sings “For Once in My Life.” Your spirit keeps you humble. We all know the world is not perfect. It is rigged to make us believe otherwise, and life is not fair.

    Our God goes about everyday hoping we understand our limitations. He allows us to know through his son (Jesus) what others are willing to do get their moments of our limited time. Every spiritual relationship has this experience.

    My early background in Mathematics and Computer Science has always stopped me in my tracks through the power of observing things through perspective. Reflection gives me strength.
    Continue to see what other cannot as you take your strides sharing and caring. Think about “What a Difference a Minute Makes, a Second, a Moment, an Hour.”

    My limited and continuous training in Computer Science, Systems Engineering, Intelligence, and Cyber Security puts my humanity in context. You address the subject of context in “Black Woman Redefined.”

    CBS Sixty Minutes news last night had this link about investments of time (milliseconds) and currency (“Our Personal Peace.”) by Author M. Lewis: Investors, big and small, are “prey” http://www.cbsnews.com/news/is-the-us-stock-market-rigged/

    Your writings and personal insight continue the long and honorable traditions of Women Leaders. What a way to honor society with your presence. Especially by starting Black History Month on C-SPAN and closing out Woman’s History Month “Renewed.”

  8. Good Morning Attorney Nelson,
    Joan Osborne sings a superb version of Eddie Ruffin’s “What Becomes of a Broken Heart.” She also does an excellent version of “One of Us.” I mean, how many of us think about the core lyrics of this song; “What if God was one of us, trying to find his way home.” Scripture speaks to the body and how all parts are important with neither having more significance than the other. This is life and living for others. You/we if preferred live in this process. Remember: “It is not about You, It is not about me, It is about the Other who needs help.”

    I placed the additional book orders today to include pre-orders. I added some of my favorite authors who you already have familiarity. Shelia Walsh has been a favorite study of mine and her new book “The Storm Inside” is an excellent read. Believing and claiming in her strength, not because I have seen a pre-released copy. Interesting title especially since we all are born inside of a woman. A woman’s trimesters are like a small storm until our birth.

    Below is a summary of my order. I have my health, use my harvest for my essential needs, and share the other fruits from it while they are in season. To share them after they spoil is like trying to give out gifts from the grave. Others must know you care and have the time to share.

    Order Confirmation
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    Hello Anthony C. Scott I,
    Thank you for shopping with us. We’d like to let you know that Amazon has received your order, and is preparing it for shipment. Your estimated delivery date is below. If you would like to view the status of your order or make any changes to it, please visit Your Orders on Amazon.com.

    Order Details
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    Placed on Tuesday, April 1, 2014

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    5 x Place, Not Race: A New Vision of Opportunity in America
    Cashin, Sheryll; Hardcover
    Sold by Amazon.com LLC

    $18.90
    (or less)
    Why?

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    10 x The Storm Inside: Trade the Chaos of How You Feel for the Truth of Who You Are
    Walsh, Sheila; Hardcover
    Sold by Amazon.com LLC

    $16.99

    15 x Michelle Obama in her Own Words: The Views and Values of America’s First Lady
    Obama, Michelle,Rogak, Lisa; Paperback (Ordered higher amount for honor to FLOTUS)
    Sold by Amazon.com LLC
    $5.18

    5 x Black Woman Redefined: Dispelling Myths and Discovering Fulfillment in the Age of Michelle Obama
    Nelson, Sophia; Paperback
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    $13.21

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    10 x Woman Code, The: 20 Powerful Keys to Unlock Your Life
    Nelson, Sophia A.; Hardcover
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    10 x Instinct: The Power to Unleash Your Inborn Drive
    Jakes, T. D.; Hardcover
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  9. Good Morning Songbird Sophia,
    Congratulations on your Essence journalism award and fifteen years hence on admission to the bar. You are receiving well deserved blessing as your cup will never be empty. Thank you for continuing to inspire, share, and care.

    Today you are having a twitter chat on dividing ourselves from hurtful relationships. You better than anyone know how appropriate and well meaningful this is for all who carry this heavy burden. I am humbled and honored to be given the opportunity to share my limited writing skills. This is your space. Your cyberspace has given me a place to grow and renew my strength in the Lord. Thank you!

    Music is the salt of the earth. Every culture has embraced music to celebrate, to mourn, to reflect, and to inspire. God’s scripture ask us about the good of salt which has lost its flavor. “Another Blessing,” by Melvin Williams in this link below is how thankful we should all be in our spiritual life. The second link covers a more in-depth acknowledge of his inspirational songs as well as other gospel artist.

    Man can only find true physical peace on this earth within a woman. Her presence began on this earth by being put to sleep and having a rib removed. Today, it begins with his mother who nurtures him until delivery into this world and beyond. It continues with his heart of attractions when he finds love. The sharing of intimate moments with a new love separates him from a mother’s loving arms. This takes time and energy constantly challenging the heart.

    Like a deck of cards it is not simple. All card suites have a heart and many games are played with a deck of cards. It is not simply a process. It is a relation learned over time especially how the deck can be stacked. Ever played a game of Three Card Molly and thought you were winning?

    Moms have to let go and children must glow in the darkest of nights and coldest of life’s winter storms. I recommend man and woman seeking to find physical, emotional, and relationship love; first listen to these two Melvin Williams albums. The first is “Crazy like Love,” and the other is “Love like Crazy.” They are a great follow up, segway, or how to find a better gateway on Steve Wonder’s “Songs in the Key of Life.” We all have to “Clean Up,” what we messed up in half-hearted relationships we never learned how to understand especially with Jesus. This starts with the courage and challenge of learning how to divide and remove the “#Stains” you spoke about in previous literature.

    The journey these compilations of songs from inspiring spiritual artist Melvin Williams are rich in what we must learn and grown stronger in our daily interactions with others. Your Nana would have shared these words with you growing up. You will surely like “I Am Woman.” The words are helpful for “#Exits Strategies,” and soothing in Melvin Williams “Give It to Me Straight.” Every one of us must accept the courage to give the other person straight answers. “#Woman Code 2014”

    I have been physically beaten by biological brothers who acted as they were my father who was never around to help my mother. However, it was not a discipline in how to be a man. The beating was a result of lesson he wanted me to learn where we both worked at the same grocery store.

    I was still in high school. He had a falling out with the owner of the grocery store where we worked. He told me not to go work my job because he was in disagreement with our boss. I had no disagreement and went to work because “I” needed the money. He physically beat me up. This was not an inspiring way for me to respect my older brother. However, today I will still provide for him and divide myself from this relationship when it is in his best interest. “#Provide / Divide”

    “#There Is A Code” “#Woman Code”

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